I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
