i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
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I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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