Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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