o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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