I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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