i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
