i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
