She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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