my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
