my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
