You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I stole a fireplace last night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
