I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
