Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why can't burritos get me drunk
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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