i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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