Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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