i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
