i can't believe i had my finger in that
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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