How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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