He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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