i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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