I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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