I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
