Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
