As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
