i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
