you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
