I'm pants shitting drunk right now
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
