an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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