Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
being pregnant is like rehab
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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