I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
