She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
