you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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