i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
