rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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