I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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