i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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