I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
