Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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