ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
