remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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