Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
