Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
