just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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