He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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