My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
FUCK WHALES
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
