And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
