I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
