Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
