Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
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But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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