the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
