I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
