remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Please don't give away my fajitas
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
