I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
