I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
