i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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